The Outdoor Toilet

Down the Hill and Across the Road

I have lived for almost 79 years. During those years I have seen a lot of changes. Some of these changes have been for the better. Others have been for the worse. As one who accepts change slowly, there are a few changes I have not completely gotten used to. However for the most part I welcome the changes that have come about in my life time. Some stand far above others. An example is the indoor toilet.

I grew-up with an outdoor toilet. It was a most awful place. In the summertime when one went to the toilet one had to share the space with wasp flying everywhere. One didn’t dare swat at them, for fear of making them angry. Their number was so great they could sting one to death in a matter of minutes. Also one had to deal with large green flies the size of humming bird hatchlings. And then there was the terrible stink of rotting waste. And an occasional black snake, with lizards galore. The toilet was not a place one wanted to spend much time. The wintertime had its unpleasant conditions also. For example the cold weather, our toilet faced the south. The toilet was not a tightly enclosed building. Therefore the cold wind from the north whipped through the cracks and up on and around any and every portion of the body that was exposed. One left the toilet in a hunched over position with legs bend at the knees simply because they had been nearly frozen stiff in the sitting position.

Other unpleasant conditions were common to the outdoor toilet. (TOILET PAPER)  For my family toilet paper was, the outdated Sears & Roebuck or Montgomery Wards catalogs. When the catalog first showed up in the toilet, it was okay. One could use the index pages which were yellow and very thin and easy to crumple up. However when these pages were gone one was left with the slick shinny pages that were very course. Women’s coats seemed to be the worst. One could get a paper cut from those pages. Now there are paper cuts and there are paper cuts.

The toilet was always placed a distance from the house. This made it very it inconvenient, at times…….like when it was snowing….when it was dark….when it was very cold and etc.  All of this was just part life as we knew it.

My most horrible experience with the outdoor toilet was when I was about eight years old. That day we had roasting ears from our corn in the field. Yes, we ate field corn not sweet corn. The corn had to be at the right stage of maturity for it to be edible. If one picked it too soon there was no flavor, if too late then it was hard. Well this particular day we had corn on the cob that was just right. I ate as much as I could hold. Oh my, it was so good! In the early evening I began to feel awful. My stomach hurt! I felt like I needed to vomit and couldn’t. Crying and moaning, I told my Mom I was very sick and might die any minute. She said a dose of castor oil would help. Now, the two main medicines we used was castor oil in the summer and a spoon full of sugar with a drop or two of coal oil in the winter. So, she gave me a spoonful of castor oil. It was awful. My pain persisted! I was sure death was just around the corner. I went to bed that night still feeling awful. Sometime late in the night or early morning I got up and woke my Mom up.  Crying and moaning I told her how very sick I was. She said, Jim we need to get you to the toilet. Still crying and moaning I thought at least I wasn’t headed to the funeral home. Mom got up and lit the lantern and adjusted the wick for the maximum light output.

We stepped out the back door of the house my Mom had the lantern in one hand and was holding my hand in her other hand. As she closed the door behind us we were immediately greeted by about six of our dogs that had rushed out from under the house. They surrounded us sticking their cold noses to my bare body, and there was also an occasional lick. As my Mom with me crying and moaning and the dogs moved toward the toilet I stopped and fell to my knees and said I can’t go any farther. I will just die right here on the ground. She said Jim you are not going to die here or anywhere. Now get up and get yourself to the toilet. As I struggled up the first eruption came with a loud noise and a terrible stink. It was so awful that the dogs went into a barking frenzy and immediately retreated to the edge of the lantern light. The second eruption was even worse than the first, the undigested corn kernels striking the ground with a force like a fighter jet strafing a target with automatic weapons. This sent the dogs into a barking frenzy again. As I remember there were about three more eruptions each one sending the dogs into a barking frenzy.

As I stood there shaking, the moaning and the crying had stopped. Mom said let’s get you to the house and get you cleaned up. Just before we got to the house she stopped and said stand right here Jim! The dogs did not come close to me but at least they had quit barking. Mom returned with a bucket of cold water and washed me down. She sent me off to bed with the assurance “you’ll be okay in the morning”.

By noon the next day, between the varmints and our chickens all evidence of my fiasco was gone. However, it was about two weeks before the dogs would come near me.

Jim Gray

Peculiar Missouri